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Now that 2011 is thankfully behind us, specifically September, and we begin our trading onslaught of 2012, I am considering implementing one or more trading styles.
Tebow-trading: completely miss on pretty much every single trade for the first three quarters of 2012, only to pull out profits for everything in December, then lose three straight weeks, but still live to see another day because everybody else didn’t meet expectations, either. This involves an intense amount of prayer, knee pads and an almost unhealthy level of humility. Not recommended for experienced traders.
Merk-ozy-trading: completely ignore your portfolio’s demise in the face of eminent doom. Filibuster every single position with people depending on your guidance, because they really don’t matter. This style will involve serious consideration of a plan of action to eventually formulate a plan to take some action. Close family members should continue frivolous spending habits, because at some point you will file for bankruptcy, and steak dinners washed down with 25-year old scotch cannot be repossessed.
Honey Badger-trading: blame everything on Europe and China, because our zero-growth plan is better than everyone else’s. This will involve a buy-and-hold strategy, which should see a profit in the second quarter of 2022. Just keep adding to positions held by members of Congress. Raise interest rates at some point in the next millennium.
Twitter-trading: be confident that every single recommendation is a sure thing. Take both long and short positions in everything mentioned in your timeline. This will involve a great sense of humor, an incredible amount of capital and you will have to quit your job, if you aren’t already unemployed.
Historical-trading: just buy the S&P500 (NYSEMKT: SPY), because after a flat year, the S&P index rises an average of 26% the following year. Hedge your position with General Motors (NYSE: GM), because you will need the fire extinguisher that comes with the Chevy Volt, in case you go up in flames. Fly your "S&P $150" banner unflinchingly.
Ratings Agency-trading: stay in cash. Sit in your comfortable corner office while judging everybody from afar. Drink and smoke during work hours, as if you were Don Draper. Either way, it doesn’t really matter. State a case for your usefulness at the end of every horrible quarter. Take the interest from your money market fund and buy a pack of gum.
GOP-trading: blame Obama for everything from healthcare to the fact that you can no longer afford greens fees at Trump National Golf Club, since unemployment is at 17%, there is nowhere near enough tax “revenue” and all you can do is invest in Kimberly Clark (NYSE: KMB), because the Speaker needs Kleenex.
Obama-trading: trade ranges in the Volatility Index (VIX), since the President’s penchant for picking fights in spite of potential political gridlock favors a “nothing gets done on my watch” sentiment. Hedge every trade by shorting the Euro.
So after three trading days in 2012, I am going to study the pros and cons of my potential trading strategies. Suffice it to say, I am taking a long position in cynicism. Who’s with me?
Until next time, from the trading table,
Kyle Metivier
Motley Fool blogger Kyle Metivier has no position in any of the tickers mentioned, and is long both sense of humor and cynicism.
